i don’t know what to do with my life.
i give up on relationships. 
i give up on best friends.
i give up on friends. 
i give up on honesty. 
i give up on loyalty. 
i give up on caring about anything. 
i give up on school. 
i give up on trying to make you understand.
i give up.

so it’s about 12:30 and i’m awake doing homework.
chicken noodle soup, ftw.

according to my mom, i was supposed to be in bed two hours ago. and, if i miss my bus in the morning i don’t have a phone for a month.
i still don’t understand why she doesn’t understand that people with insomnia DON’T FUCKIN SLEEP. good grief.

they will see us waving from such great heights

come down now, they’ll say

everything is perfect from far away

come down now,

but we’ll stay..

why do i literally allow myself to fuck up. seriously? where is my mind? fuck my liiiife dude. i mean come on. i should know better than this yet i keep fucking letting myself do stupid shitt and i’m going to pay for it some day. soon, probably.

i can’t keep doing this. i need something better in my life.

i never really have good dreams anymore. I wonder if it’s because of my lack of sleep, or my busy mind.  i can never shut down properly, there is always something to think about or something worrying me. there’s also plenty that scares me at night. i’m afraid of the dark and i hate it but my mind goes berserk over things that aren’t there. or are they? this is a complete ramble, just so you know. it’s about 2 in the morning and i need an outlet. i don’t know what i’m doing tomorrow, i just wanna take pictures. that’s really all i wanna do anymore. take pictures and spent completely pointless hours on facebook and myspace doing absolutely nothing but sit and be lazy and cozy around in warm blankets. i’ve gotten apathetic as fuck lately. all i seem to be concerned about is what i’m going to wear the next day. i don’t really eat or anything and when i do i feel fat and sick. i’m surrounded by beautiful people and i want to further my relationships and rekindle old ones. people keep me going in life. oh my goodness i can’t wait until i have my license so i can be everywhere and see everyone and hang out with wonderful people every day. i want a camera and i want that dress i saw at urban the other day. it was so pretty. and i wish i had money for all these things because i like looking nice. i’m thankful because the school lets me borrow the nikon d80 even though it’s old it is a DSLR and it is wonderful to have. i am taking senior portraits and getting money for them! this is good. i want to have my own card and own business name and stuff. i need to redo my dad’s website soooooon. i hope this whole scheme he’s got going actually goes somewhere. i want to keep typing forever because there is always so much in my head that i don’t know what to do with but i think i’m going to end this and say goodnight.

goodnight.

love a runner,

not a player.

<3

this new blog doesn’t get wasted like my old one.  my old one was kinda turning into a collection of pictures and phrases that really didn’t make sense. but i’ve missed writing, and hopefully here i can channel a lot of everyday life into words that do make sense. (:

if you’d like to see my old blog, it’s here. i’ll still update it, but this one has become more of a personal journal.

love you all!